Friday, September 24, 2010
I'm thinking a lot about friends at the moment, those lost, those gained, those who I am no longer sure about where I stand with.
I am leaving for Sydney at the end of this year and I've decided I need to know where I stand with people because I need closure, and because I need to feel that I am not running away.
I really need a little confirmation that this path I'm beginning on will be good for me and for Toddy. That this big leap I'm making is for the best. So if anyone has any insights for the cards, or guides, or intuition, or anything really please let me know...
Where do I stand with you?
Where do you stand with me?
Do we know??
Monday, September 20, 2010
Saturday, September 11, 2010
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.
May God be with you and bless you:
May you see your children's children.
May you be poor in misfortune,
Rich in blessings.
May you know nothing but happiness
From this day forward.
May the road rise up to meet you
May the wind be always at your back
May the warm rays of sun fall upon your home
And may the hand of a friend always be near.
May green be the grass you walk on,
May blue be the skies above you,
May pure be the joys that surround you,
May true be the hearts that love you.
Gentle rest, Laura.
May the Goddess keep you safe until you return again.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Todd has found a course in Sydney, I've found a course in Sydney.
Both of us will only have two more years of student poverty.
I don't know if I am ready for Sydney, I know I will have to be at some stage.
Still though I worry-
Will I get in?
Will I be able to cope?
Will we find somewhere to live?
Can we afford it?
If some one feels like laying some cards down for me it would be very much appreciated.
I so desperately need insight right now.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Very very serious irritation....
I have one ex-housemate who has been "staying over" for over a week, which I am over, completely over.
I don't mind her coming around, or even staying every now and again, but her welcome has been well and truly worn out. What makes it worse is that ALL she does is sit around and eat all our food and use our internet.
As does another friend who basically comes over to our house to use our internet and last night stayed over to midnight. Too late for a week night when we all are busy.
And then we come to the other housemate ... well I'm not sure that I even want to go there...
Don't mind me, I'm just having a big whinge.
Grumble grumble grumble
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Monday, August 23, 2010
Hard right now, really hard.
I am struggling to get out of bed in the mornings. But I am still trying and I guess that's something.
Uni is crazy as always, but I love it. Art is what makes me happy.
New opportunities arising. Possibly a new job if my confidence could manage it.
Always growing, always evolving.
And that's about it.
Monday, August 16, 2010
The effect it would have on you
No of course not.
All I can say is, how selfish.
You forget that you are not the only person to suffer here.
And all the shit that comes up everytime you allow them near affects all of us.
Who is the one who holds back your hair when you vomit back the only thing you have managed to eat all day?
Who runs you a bath and talks through every pain and insecurity?
Who holds your hand as you walk through the painfull memories of long ago?
Who whispers quietly "what can we do?" "how did this happen?" at night long after you have fallen to sleep?
Who treads on eggs shells while you rebuild your shattered foundation?
Who praises you as you begin to progress again?
Who loves for your flaws rather then condemning you for them?
Who cringes inwardly when they find out you have invited them back in?
Who waits silently as the nausea sets back in all the while inwardly breaking down under the stress of being your carer?
Me, that's who. And the rest of your chosen family.
The same people who are buckling under the combined pressure of all our own problems and yours.
Why do I stay?
Because you are my friend,
My chosen family.
And I love you.
And you don't deserve the treatment you have recieved at their hands.
But neither do I,
Neither do I.
And yet look at what you condemn me to...
Friday, August 6, 2010
Six years today.
Infinity in a heartbeat so it seems to me.
Almost a third of our lives,
Through the hard times,
The happy times,
The painful times,
The scary, hairy, hormonal times.
Those who know me,
You who knows me best,
Know I'm not given to flowery articulation,
Or to excess.
So it is no overstatement to say that;
With everything I was,
With everything I am,
With everything I will be,
I love you.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Busy, busy, busy.
Forcr is coming up quick and uni goes back next week, also a million and one other things that MUST be done.
But I don't mind that.
It's been an interesting few weeks to say the least. Full of realisations about me. Most of them aren't very nice.
Whether I like it or not, whether it is fair or not the state of my nest depends on me being invested in it. Which I haven't been for a long time.
I have screwed up worse then I was allowing myself to see.
I have not taken as much responsibility for things as I thought I had.
I am a mess. A total mess. And I don't know if I can fix myself up. But I don't know who to ask for help.
Not really nice things to find out but all the same I think I need to know them. Now all that remains is to find out where to go from here. How to fix myself.
So there you have it.
My world in a nutshell.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
It's been a big week in term of trying to find out where it is I'm going, to be honest I still don't know, but a pathway is forming ahead of my eyes just as a plan is forming within my mind.
My garden is screaming out for me. I've abandoned it in fear of how hard it will be to leave it if leave it I must. But I've come to realise that abandoning things just because they may end is not the right way to go through life. So I'll be out in the garden again soon.
For today, food shopping, so my family doesn't starve. But for now, just listening to Toddy pluck out his Mozart from last semester on the guitar I bought him about three years ago.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Monday, July 12, 2010
Darkness surrounds my thoughts too:
Today I truly walk with the Dark Mother. Through the shadows we journey during this dark night, knowing that dawn will come, having faith that we have not been forsaken by the light.
Today I am Persephone as I travel to the Underworld. When I return I shall hold the seeds for a brighter tomorrow.
Today I am alone.
And alone I breakdown, break apart, break away.
Spinning, I fragment in the darkness as facets of my being fall away. Some facets are ripped clean, torn from my existence like and ill fitting skin. The faster I spin, the more I lose until I am afraid that when I stop there will be nothing left.
And still I cannot cease.
My falling shards shine like fractured glass, a splintered mirror, a shattered truth, a broken dream.
Today I embrace the dark veil. I am the Morrigan. I am the battle Raven. I am Lillith.
Today I am a thing of terrible radiance.
Because the truth is
There is perfection in the breakdown.
The beauty of the rain is how it falls.
Today I welcome the shadows so that Tomorrow may see the light.
Tomorrow my seeds shall grow.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
So heading back to Tamworth tomorrow till Saturday. To be honest, I'm not thrilled about the prospect especially as it will be sans Toddy but the mother unit must be appeased.
I am determined to look on the bright side of the situation. I'm going to use the week as one of self exploration and discovery, there are some things that are nattering at me that I really need to work through by myself. I need direction and clarit right now and there are some issues that I have pushed aside for too long now. They must be allowed to breathe.
I am very excited for Toddy and his work experience that begins on Monday. I feel big things will come of it. They are going to love him, lets face it, who wouldn't? Watch this space.
I had an excellent night at the cottage, small, simple and yet very satifying. The poor old cottage is really at the end of its days, sad but true. I feel like I am standing at the edge of the precipice of change, so many things are set to change soon. I don't know where I'm going and I don't know where I'll be. But I have my faith and that shall sustain me.
So I shall be on the book of face and e-mail most likely, although I still haven't found my phone so fingers cossed that will resurface soon.
I'll see you on the other side!
Friday, July 9, 2010
Monday, July 5, 2010
Just beginning this work, it's far from finished. A new type of art for me.
I hope that no one stumbles along this blog who expects to see mention of the owners of the stock images. I refuse to list contributors before I've even finished. If you don't like it, don't look.
SO as most readers of this blog will know, The Fool means the beginning of a new journey, and whether I like it or not I am about to begin on a new journey. Unfortunately I still can't bring myself to like the changes, I'm still too stubborn, but I have accepted them and I respect them and the need for them to be made.
So I am looking to the future with open eyes and an accepting heart.
Should have listened to the damn cards...
Saturday, July 3, 2010
How do I feel about this? I feel too many things I think.
But mostly that it is right, I guess, I think.
No I know it is, just trying to convince emotional brain at the present second.
I know that it isn't right that it continue when it is a burden to so many, it should always be a joy. And I guess it was a burden to me too, no, I know it was.
But I also know how much it helped people, helped me. Gave me a place to work through things, the understand more about myself, my life, my faith. Gave me validation, support, worth. Gave me friends. And I am grateful for that.
And this is not in the slightest to say that I don't believe in the reasons that it had to be done. I do believe really and truly 100% that this is what you had to do. I support your reasons and understand how hard the desiscion must have been for you. I really really do.
What I am struggling with is me.
Which is of course entirely selfish.
But I had just began to feel like I had found my path. That I was for the first time in so many years treading the right ground, heading toward my true North. And now it has changed. Again.
And once again I'm floundering in a great wide ocean of unknowing, instability, confusion.
Yep I think the saying is definitely true "The more you wish for stability, the more change will come". And I really must learn to deal with change. And I know that you didn't think it would be a shock but it was, for me it was. Maybe that was just me though.
And I'm thinking with my optimistic brain on all that I have gained, how much I have learned, what experiences I have had. And I am so grateful. Especially for the friends I have gained.
And that is where my heart falters which gives rational brain a chance to kick optimistic brain into the corner.
And I know everyone will say that we'll still see each other, we'll still be friends, we'll "make time". But realistically we struggled to "make time" for important things like meetings, let alone just for coffee and catch-up.
And really what may be a matter of "I'll meet you at the _____ cafe" or "Just pop around to mine and we'll do coffee" for you for me is "sorry guys I have no money to go out for lunch" or "sorry but there are no buses that go near your place".
Because due to my own fault and choices I have no money and I have no car. And that makes "catching up" almost impossible.
I should know, its half the reason I lost most of my first sisters.
And that's no fault of the cottage or of the cottage closing. It's entirely my own.
But it still festers, bad.
Especially since I know that if I ever wanted to attend a full moon or a sabbat with friends, I couldn't. I'm not welcome there.
And none of this really has anything to do with the cottage closing, not really. It just brings it up. And it shows how very little I have dealt with anything, again, my fault entirely. And it doesn't really matter if you have others around you if you have your faith, which I do. I still have my faith. And I still have my Toddy.
My Faith and my Toddy. The two things I love most in this world.
I still have them both.
And in the end, I guess that's all that matters.
So thanks to everyone for everything.
I understand and support you and your desiscions 100%.
Thanks for being a part of my life.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Still happy is me
connected is me
grateful is me.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Trying to vent in a way that won't hurt anyone or anything including myself. Really all I can think about is putting a hammer, or a rock, or my foot through the wall, then you would have something to complain about!!!!!
Damn you for making me feel unworthy
Damn you for making my best second rate
Damn you for making me feel guilty when I feel so angry I could vomit, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO FEEL MY EMOTIONS! HOW DARE YOU ATTEMPT TO TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME!
If this is the way you use your authority over me then I reject it.
I answer only the the authority of my conscience and my heart.
It started with me choosing my topics for mentoring with Lisa, which I am soooooo very excited about. I really feel like I'm on the right track in regards to my spirituality, it feels good to be committing to study again. I feel like this is where I need to be. The topics I have chosen are:
- Activating the Goddess within
- 13 aspects of woman
- a goddess a month
So all great and all full on which is what I want, what I need.
Then tarot class with Lisa as the delightful Wendy was busy being the very busy person that she is. We begin a week ahead spread and WHAM six out of seven of Toddy's cards are majors. WOW!!! (two of mine) A huge week is on the cards (pardon the pun) starting of with the Emperor tomorrow which I also drew as my Wednesday card. Something is going down!! So I promise to keep you all posted. Then the Karmic spread which resulted in six draws of the star card for me and six draws of the hanged man for Toddy ... hmmm wishes, beginnings, potential and different perspectives. Be careful what you wish for, you might just get it! We ended on a q&a session which has brought up possibilities that I had ruled out, things that would make me extremely happy, scared, grateful, etc. Oh and possible movement too.
Yep a HUGE week ahead for me!
BRING IT ON!!!
Friday, June 25, 2010
It's been a mostly good day. Full moon was wonderfull with Wendy making a fabulous High Priestess, three new faces was also wonderful to see. Candle magic was lots of fun, I'm looking foward to some of those things manifesting for me soon.
As always bad too. A cross stitch that I have been putting my heart and soul into is now ruined because a cup of tea was spilled on to it. Not by me but still by accident. Of course accidents happen and its no-one's fault, it's just very upsetting. Oh well, must move on.
New opportunities seem to be arising for me to get back in to spiritual study again which I am extremely excited about! I feel like I'm definitely walking the right path at the moment. I feel like I'm going the right way to my North node, and I feel more accepting of myself because I can understand why I am the way I am and what I need to be.
Understanding is good.
Now if I only knew where I was going to be living at the end of the year ...
Oh well we can't have it all I guess!
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Anique was amazing, a beautiful and inspirational night. I learnt so much within and without myself.
Unfotunately things at home still aren't great. Sister has decided to take herself home early even though she knew in advance that our Yule celebration had been planned for Sunday. Apparently it is too tireing for her to leave on Monday and return Thursday so instead she is leaving on Saturday. And now I have an altar waiting, a tree set up, a bough of oak and holly slowly dying and a log waiting to be decorated. And I wonder if there was any point, any point in trying to share, trying to be a family, trying to have fun. I wonder if I will just end up taking it all down tomorrow. Is there really any point in waiting for her to return? Will she just find something more important than me again? Is there any point in celebrating Yule so late anyway???
I don't know.
Wow two blogs in a row ... amazing...
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
I have a cat by my side and a 'puter on my lap so it just seems appropriate.
Still feeling a little lost, some days a lot lost. I don't know where I'm going to be at the end of this week, this month, this year.
I really hate that.
Hurting right now that I don't seem to come first in anyone's list, including my own.
Feeling like i really need that magic wand to make all the problems go away, really I just need to wise up and realise that life doesn't work that way.
I need to be more grateful for what I do have and learn to let shit go, I know it but I don't feel it.
On a happier note Toddy was wonderful and amazing on his piano machine in recitals both Monday and Tuesday. Sooooooooo talented which means I am sooooooooooooooo proud.
As to when I will blog again, I will try soon but I'm sure any/everyone who now reads my blog can see why I was never any good at keeping a journal!
Sunday, April 18, 2010
The "kids" will be home again today for the first time in a week and much as I love them I wish I had another week for just me and Toddy.
Uni as crazy right now. Crazy crazy crazy crazy. And Hopefully I will manage to last the week.
Monday, March 29, 2010
I wish that I could have kept that happy and contented feeling with me when I returned to "home" and "normality" but I lost it somewhere on the way.
Right now, I am hurting.
Right now I am angry.
And I am so annoyed with myself because I have not moved on and I should have. I need to let this go. I have been trying too, trying so hard to get past this but I'm not there yet.
Every reminder hurts just a little bit more, cuts a little bit deeper.
And I'm not trying to have a pity party, I don't want that. Right now I'm just in so much pain that it's hard to tell up from down not to memtion right from wrong and I'm trying to express that. Not to anyone in particular but just to express it and aknowlege it.
And I'm scared.
That in the end it will just be me alone.And I still won't understand the reason why.
I need to grow, to learn this lesson and progress to the next.
But I'm just not there yet.
Friday, March 26, 2010
So super dooper excited!
I am anticipating an excellent weekend away and then lots and lots of catch-up for the uni I've missed!
Monday, March 22, 2010
To begin with, I am now a fully fledged witch! Yay! My dedication ceremony was beautiful and unique, I was especially glad to share it with a sister of mine who I hadn't seen for quite a while and to hear from another who is between a rock and a hard place at the moment. Thankyou to you both, you are in my thoughts. Also thankyou so much to the rest of the E.B.'s who were there and whose kind words and support has got me to where I am today. I wear my pentacle every day with pride!
My other sisters are still often in my thoughts. As fate would have we did all end up dedicating on the same night, I hope they had a kind thought for me, I certainley did for them. I'm still waiting for the promised correspondance but I find I'm not as desperate as I was for communication and as the silence stretches on it rubs less and less. Life just requires you to walk on different paths sometimes.
A dear friend is in my thoughts, I'm sending as much healing energy as I can muster to her. Love, health and happiness. May the support of your friends and family get you through this difficult time.
I've also been thinking on anger a lot. My own anger and anger directed towards me and how it limits the choices I have before me. I've gotten rid of a lot of anger I felt towards others this week and I feel much much lighter for it. It's good to move on.
Anyway that is enough natter for now, I promise to be a little more regular with my next post (maybe)
In love and light
Saturday, March 13, 2010
So my dedication is tomorrow night and I am very very excited. I'm especially excited to be sharing it with sisters!
And now I need sleep.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Instructions: The post is a list of 99 random things. Bold the ones that you yourself have done.
1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Tasmania
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Sea World
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Went to the top of Centrepoint Tower
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow man
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen the Murray River in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Crossed the Sydney Harbour Bridge
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited Uluru
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Been to a jail
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favourite childhood toy
70. Visited the War Memorial in Canberra
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood on the steps of the Sydney Opera House
74. Toured the Great Ocean Road
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been a passenger on a motorcycle
79. Seen the Kimberleys in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve
86. Visited Parliament House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Got a tattoo
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Dog on the Tuckerbox in person
96. Swam in the ocean
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a mobile phone
99. Been stung by a bee
Just to hear understanding
and not blame.
for putting yourself out there for me
so that I can move on
I know that you don't enjoy 'getting in the middle'.
Maybe I can sleep now.
Or maybe not.
Uni is still lonely
but at the same time lots of fun
and lots and LOTS of work.
I'm scared to miss a class
even if I am sick.
Will I miss too much?
Can someone magic me in to a morning person PLEASE!?!
Here is what I do to amuse myself when I am bored at uni.
A good use of a Fine Art degree eh?
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Letting go is forefront on the list of priorties, although I know from previous experience that I struggle with it. But still I'm happy to sleep in the bed that I made, I couldn't have chosen differently.
And I still have gratitude.
I'm grateful to the middle woman who passed on my message, grateful for her kind words and support.
I'm grateful for the one sister who stands beside me still and also for the sisters I will soon gain.
I'm grateful to my community, my place of learning where I feel accepted and valued.
I'm grateful to those who have left me, the lessons of life you have taught me have been invaluable.
I'm grateful for my Toddy. I love you.
And somehow when the pain seems to over take everything else I need to remind myself to be thankful, and not to take anything for granted.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
I have heard that writing a blog is a cathartic experience, and thus I have decided to give it a whirl for myself. I don't think its going to be anything ground-shaking or earth-moving, just a ramble of thoughts from my mind to you.
To kick it all off I thought an old poem of mine might be fitting, I've been thinking about it a lot lately and tonight's full moon seems to make it an even more appropriate choice. I hope you like it.
I went to the ocean last night.
The hands of the sea covered the shore,
Caressed the sand like a lover,
While the waves whispered secrets from the sea floor.
And the Moon watched from her sky.
I went to the river last night.
The song of the valley broke over the stones,
Rushed downstream like a feather,
The singing rung clearly in chiming bright tones.
And the Moon watched from her sky.
I went to the lake last night.
I saw my reflectionon the water's dark face,
Bathed in the light of la Lune,
I saw the stars scattered through time and through space.
And the Moon watched from her sky.
I stood in the rain last night.
The torrents of water streamed down my skin,
Washed me clean of regrets,
Cleansed my soul of the hurts held within.
And the Moon watched from her sky.
I shed many tears last night.
They ran like hot rivers along the plains of my cheeks,
Burning they slipped from my eyes,
And dropped to the sand where I stood on that beach.
And the Moon watched from her sky.