Thinking

Is thinking of seriously starting up a business selling peruvian jewellery, my paintings, my own jewellery and other such junk.

I need money.

What do people think?

Me right now.

Me right now.

Busy

Busy, busy, busy.

Forcr is coming up quick and uni goes back next week, also a million and one other things that MUST be done.

But I don't mind that.
'
It's been an interesting few weeks to say the least. Full of realisations about me. Most of them aren't very nice.

For instance:

Whether I like it or not, whether it is fair or not the state of my nest depends on me being invested in it. Which I haven't been for a long time.

I have screwed up worse then I was allowing myself to see.

I have not taken as much responsibility for things as I thought I had.

I am a mess. A total mess. And I don't know if I can fix myself up. But I don't know who to ask for help.

Not really nice things to find out but all the same I think I need to know them. Now all that remains is to find out where to go from here. How to fix myself.

So there you have it.
My world in a nutshell.

Home again

I have managed to return from Tamworth relatively unscathed, but as always with going home my self confidence has lost ground and is a little more shaky. At the moment the problem seems to be that I don't regain my footing before I go back. So my confidence just keeps getting kicked while its down.

It's been a big week in term of trying to find out where it is I'm going, to be honest I still don't know, but a pathway is forming ahead of my eyes just as a plan is forming within my mind.

My garden is screaming out for me. I've abandoned it in fear of how hard it will be to leave it if leave it I must. But I've come to realise that abandoning things just because they may end is not the right way to go through life. So I'll be out in the garden again soon.

For today, food shopping, so my family doesn't starve. But for now, just listening to Toddy pluck out his Mozart from last semester on the guitar I bought him about three years ago.

Bliss.

Waiting

Is waiting.

Waiting, waiting, waiting.

Waiting for her seeds to grow.

Beauty in the Breakdown

Today darkness surrounds me. The new moon has risen and the sun, eclipsed, offers no light.

Darkness surrounds my thoughts too:

Loss
Pain
Regret


Today I truly walk with the Dark Mother. Through the shadows we journey during this dark night, knowing that dawn will come, having faith that we have not been forsaken by the light.

Today I am Persephone as I travel to the Underworld. When I return I shall hold the seeds for a brighter tomorrow.


And yet

Today I am alone.

And alone I breakdown, break apart, break away.


Spinning, I fragment in the darkness as facets of my being fall away. Some facets are ripped clean, torn from my existence like and ill fitting skin. The faster I spin, the more I lose until I am afraid that when I stop there will be nothing left.

And still I cannot cease.

My falling shards shine like fractured glass, a splintered mirror, a shattered truth, a broken dream.


Today I embrace the dark veil. I am the Morrigan. I am the battle Raven. I am Lillith.

Today I am a thing of terrible radiance.


Because the truth is

There is perfection in the breakdown.

The beauty of the rain is how it falls.


Today I welcome the shadows so that Tomorrow may see the light.

Tomorrow my seeds shall grow.

Tamworth Tomorrow

So heading back to Tamworth tomorrow till Saturday. To be honest, I'm not thrilled about the prospect especially as it will be sans Toddy but the mother unit must be appeased.

I am determined to look on the bright side of the situation. I'm going to use the week as one of self exploration and discovery, there are some things that are nattering at me that I really need to work through by myself. I need direction and clarit right now and there are some issues that I have pushed aside for too long now. They must be allowed to breathe.

I am very excited for Toddy and his work experience that begins on Monday. I feel big things will come of it. They are going to love him, lets face it, who wouldn't? Watch this space.

I had an excellent night at the cottage, small, simple and yet very satifying. The poor old cottage is really at the end of its days, sad but true. I feel like I am standing at the edge of the precipice of change, so many things are set to change soon. I don't know where I'm going and I don't know where I'll be. But I have my faith and that shall sustain me.

So I shall be on the book of face and e-mail most likely, although I still haven't found my phone so fingers cossed that will resurface soon.

I'll see you on the other side!

Results

Got my uni results this morning!

Print Making - Credit
Photography - Distinction
Fibre Art - High Distinction
Art Theory - High Distinction

YAY

Happy is me

The Fool

My Fool

Just beginning this work, it's far from finished. A new type of art for me.

I hope that no one stumbles along this blog who expects to see mention of the owners of the stock images. I refuse to list contributors before I've even finished. If you don't like it, don't look.

SO as most readers of this blog will know, The Fool means the beginning of a new journey, and whether I like it or not I am about to begin on a new journey. Unfortunately I still can't bring myself to like the changes, I'm still too stubborn, but I have accepted them and I respect them and the need for them to be made.

So I am looking to the future with open eyes and an accepting heart.

Should have listened to the damn cards...

Ok it is now definitely time for a response, I've managed to put it off for a day but it needs to be done.

How do I feel about this? I feel too many things I think.

But mostly that it is right, I guess, I think.
No I know it is, just trying to convince emotional brain at the present second.

I know that it isn't right that it continue when it is a burden to so many, it should always be a joy. And I guess it was a burden to me too, no, I know it was.

But I also know how much it helped people, helped me. Gave me a place to work through things, the understand more about myself, my life, my faith. Gave me validation, support, worth. Gave me friends. And I am grateful for that.

And this is not in the slightest to say that I don't believe in the reasons that it had to be done. I do believe really and truly 100% that this is what you had to do. I support your reasons and understand how hard the desiscion must have been for you. I really really do.

What I am struggling with is me.

Which is of course entirely selfish.

But I had just began to feel like I had found my path. That I was for the first time in so many years treading the right ground, heading toward my true North. And now it has changed. Again.

And once again I'm floundering in a great wide ocean of unknowing, instability, confusion.

Yep I think the saying is definitely true "The more you wish for stability, the more change will come". And I really must learn to deal with change. And I know that you didn't think it would be a shock but it was, for me it was. Maybe that was just me though.

And I'm thinking with my optimistic brain on all that I have gained, how much I have learned, what experiences I have had. And I am so grateful. Especially for the friends I have gained.

Friends.

And that is where my heart falters which gives rational brain a chance to kick optimistic brain into the corner.

And I know everyone will say that we'll still see each other, we'll still be friends, we'll "make time". But realistically we struggled to "make time" for important things like meetings, let alone just for coffee and catch-up.

And really what may be a matter of "I'll meet you at the _____ cafe" or "Just pop around to mine and we'll do coffee" for you for me is "sorry guys I have no money to go out for lunch" or "sorry but there are no buses that go near your place".

Because due to my own fault and choices I have no money and I have no car. And that makes "catching up" almost impossible.

I should know, its half the reason I lost most of my first sisters.

And that's no fault of the cottage or of the cottage closing. It's entirely my own.

But it still festers, bad.

Especially since I know that if I ever wanted to attend a full moon or a sabbat with friends, I couldn't. I'm not welcome there.

And none of this really has anything to do with the cottage closing, not really. It just brings it up. And it shows how very little I have dealt with anything, again, my fault entirely. And it doesn't really matter if you have others around you if you have your faith, which I do. I still have my faith. And I still have my Toddy.

My Faith and my Toddy. The two things I love most in this world.
I still have them both.

And in the end, I guess that's all that matters.

So thanks to everyone for everything.
I understand and support you and your desiscions 100%.
Thanks for being a part of my life.

Yule Today!

SO our much delayed/anticipated celebration of Yule is finally here! A fairly sizeable pile of presents are awaiting opening, paganified carols are being warbled and I am wrapped up in a quilt on the couch on account of me having developed a very nasty chest infection. So no singing for me, also no laughing which is going to make Bill Bailey tonight very interesting.

Still happy is me
connected is me
grateful is me.