Ok it is now definitely time for a response, I've managed to put it off for a day but it needs to be done.
How do I feel about this? I feel too many things I think.
But mostly that it is right, I guess, I think.
No I know it is, just trying to convince emotional brain at the present second.
I know that it isn't right that it continue when it is a burden to so many, it should always be a joy. And I guess it was a burden to me too, no, I know it was.
But I also know how much it helped people, helped me. Gave me a place to work through things, the understand more about myself, my life, my faith. Gave me validation, support, worth. Gave me friends. And I am grateful for that.
And this is not in the slightest to say that I don't believe in the reasons that it had to be done. I do believe really and truly 100% that this is what you had to do. I support your reasons and understand how hard the desiscion must have been for you. I really really do.
What I am struggling with is me.
Which is of course entirely selfish.
But I had just began to feel like I had found my path. That I was for the first time in so many years treading the right ground, heading toward my true North. And now it has changed. Again.
And once again I'm floundering in a great wide ocean of unknowing, instability, confusion.
Yep I think the saying is definitely true "The more you wish for stability, the more change will come". And I really must learn to deal with change. And I know that you didn't think it would be a shock but it was, for me it was. Maybe that was just me though.
And I'm thinking with my optimistic brain on all that I have gained, how much I have learned, what experiences I have had. And I am so grateful. Especially for the friends I have gained.
And that is where my heart falters which gives rational brain a chance to kick optimistic brain into the corner.
And I know everyone will say that we'll still see each other, we'll still be friends, we'll "make time". But realistically we struggled to "make time" for important things like meetings, let alone just for coffee and catch-up.
And really what may be a matter of "I'll meet you at the _____ cafe" or "Just pop around to mine and we'll do coffee" for you for me is "sorry guys I have no money to go out for lunch" or "sorry but there are no buses that go near your place".
Because due to my own fault and choices I have no money and I have no car. And that makes "catching up" almost impossible.
I should know, its half the reason I lost most of my first sisters.
And that's no fault of the cottage or of the cottage closing. It's entirely my own.
But it still festers, bad.
Especially since I know that if I ever wanted to attend a full moon or a sabbat with friends, I couldn't. I'm not welcome there.
And none of this really has anything to do with the cottage closing, not really. It just brings it up. And it shows how very little I have dealt with anything, again, my fault entirely. And it doesn't really matter if you have others around you if you have your faith, which I do. I still have my faith. And I still have my Toddy.
My Faith and my Toddy. The two things I love most in this world.
I still have them both.
And in the end, I guess that's all that matters.
So thanks to everyone for everything.
I understand and support you and your desiscions 100%.
Thanks for being a part of my life.