Saturday, July 3, 2010

Ok it is now definitely time for a response, I've managed to put it off for a day but it needs to be done.

How do I feel about this? I feel too many things I think.

But mostly that it is right, I guess, I think.
No I know it is, just trying to convince emotional brain at the present second.

I know that it isn't right that it continue when it is a burden to so many, it should always be a joy. And I guess it was a burden to me too, no, I know it was.

But I also know how much it helped people, helped me. Gave me a place to work through things, the understand more about myself, my life, my faith. Gave me validation, support, worth. Gave me friends. And I am grateful for that.

And this is not in the slightest to say that I don't believe in the reasons that it had to be done. I do believe really and truly 100% that this is what you had to do. I support your reasons and understand how hard the desiscion must have been for you. I really really do.

What I am struggling with is me.

Which is of course entirely selfish.

But I had just began to feel like I had found my path. That I was for the first time in so many years treading the right ground, heading toward my true North. And now it has changed. Again.

And once again I'm floundering in a great wide ocean of unknowing, instability, confusion.

Yep I think the saying is definitely true "The more you wish for stability, the more change will come". And I really must learn to deal with change. And I know that you didn't think it would be a shock but it was, for me it was. Maybe that was just me though.

And I'm thinking with my optimistic brain on all that I have gained, how much I have learned, what experiences I have had. And I am so grateful. Especially for the friends I have gained.


And that is where my heart falters which gives rational brain a chance to kick optimistic brain into the corner.

And I know everyone will say that we'll still see each other, we'll still be friends, we'll "make time". But realistically we struggled to "make time" for important things like meetings, let alone just for coffee and catch-up.

And really what may be a matter of "I'll meet you at the _____ cafe" or "Just pop around to mine and we'll do coffee" for you for me is "sorry guys I have no money to go out for lunch" or "sorry but there are no buses that go near your place".

Because due to my own fault and choices I have no money and I have no car. And that makes "catching up" almost impossible.

I should know, its half the reason I lost most of my first sisters.

And that's no fault of the cottage or of the cottage closing. It's entirely my own.

But it still festers, bad.

Especially since I know that if I ever wanted to attend a full moon or a sabbat with friends, I couldn't. I'm not welcome there.

And none of this really has anything to do with the cottage closing, not really. It just brings it up. And it shows how very little I have dealt with anything, again, my fault entirely. And it doesn't really matter if you have others around you if you have your faith, which I do. I still have my faith. And I still have my Toddy.

My Faith and my Toddy. The two things I love most in this world.
I still have them both.

And in the end, I guess that's all that matters.

So thanks to everyone for everything.
I understand and support you and your desiscions 100%.
Thanks for being a part of my life.


  1. you are a strong and brave little witchling Rachael.
    What happened to you with the Willows WAS NOT YOUR FAULT- you dared to be different, to make a choice and then paid a price for that.
    You stood up for what you believed to be right and the fact that you now find your self alone is someone elses shame, not yours.

    Everything you have said about the Cottage closing is true, it is the right time and yes, effort will be needed to keep contacts going but dont dispair, it can happen.

    I am grateful to you and Todd in so many ways- smile and look for the new beginning that this is- i am trying to as well xxx

  2. Thanks Lisa, I am trying to do and that bright future gets brighter and brighter the more I see. I think I just struggle iwth change, I haven't quite evolved to a stage where I can just flow with it. Hopefully I'll get there soon.

    I'm so extremely glad that the mentoring is going ahead though. It's a beacon for me.

    Thanks for getting the way I'm feeling without taking any offense...

  3. why would there be offense ? I have done everything i can do, i am settled with that.

  4. Yep that's right. I guess I'm so used to people taking things the wrong way I always freak out when I honestly blog. Oh well. Looking foward to what the future brings!

  5. They laughed at her because she was different.
    She laughed at them because they were all the same.

    Be you. Make the things that you want to happen happen. It's all gonna be ok. Love you, friend and sister. x♥x

  6. In many ways I feel the same as you Rachael. We are all sooo damn busy but it is very important to me also that we make time for each other. I live about 500 metres from your house. If I am going, then I can pick you up and take you with me. You just have to ask. Absolutely NO DRAMA WHATSOEVER!! We are sisters - I would do anything that I can for you xoxo :)

  7. Thanks Wendy, Jen. I know we'll get through it. I guess I just need to see this as a new beginning not an ending - Death has a lesson for me I think...

  8. You know I can always give you a lift to gatherings Rach :) Not a problem at all.


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