Not there yet

So Wicked was amazing! It was the best time that I have had in a long time and it was so good to be able to get away with Toddy for a while. I'm hoping to be able to do it again soon but money being the way it is I don't know the likelihood of that.

I wish that I could have kept that happy and contented feeling with me when I returned to "home" and "normality" but I lost it somewhere on the way.

Right now, I am hurting.

Right now I am angry.

And I am so annoyed with myself because I have not moved on and I should have. I need to let this go. I have been trying too, trying so hard to get past this but I'm not there yet.

Every reminder hurts just a little bit more, cuts a little bit deeper.

And I'm not trying to have a pity party, I don't want that. Right now I'm just in so much pain that it's hard to tell up from down not to memtion right from wrong and I'm trying to express that. Not to anyone in particular but just to express it and aknowlege it.

And I'm scared.

That in the end it will just be me alone.And I still won't understand the reason why.

I need to grow, to learn this lesson and progress to the next.

But I'm just not there yet.

Wicked!

Well I'm off to see Wicked! this morning and the National Gallery in Canberra too. If we have time we'll be swinging by the Archibald too ... drool ...

So super dooper excited!

I am anticipating an excellent weekend away and then lots and lots of catch-up for the uni I've missed!

Update...

So I don't think it's been that long since my last blog in terms of days, but in terms of things happening it has been an age!

To begin with, I am now a fully fledged witch! Yay! My dedication ceremony was beautiful and unique, I was especially glad to share it with a sister of mine who I hadn't seen for quite a while and to hear from another who is between a rock and a hard place at the moment. Thankyou to you both, you are in my thoughts. Also thankyou so much to the rest of the E.B.'s who were there and whose kind words and support has got me to where I am today. I wear my pentacle every day with pride!

My other sisters are still often in my thoughts. As fate would have we did all end up dedicating on the same night, I hope they had a kind thought for me, I certainley did for them. I'm still waiting for the promised correspondance but I find I'm not as desperate as I was for communication and as the silence stretches on it rubs less and less. Life just requires you to walk on different paths sometimes.

A dear friend is in my thoughts, I'm sending as much healing energy as I can muster to her. Love, health and happiness. May the support of your friends and family get you through this difficult time.

I've also been thinking on anger a lot. My own anger and anger directed towards me and how it limits the choices I have before me. I've gotten rid of a lot of anger I felt towards others this week and I feel much much lighter for it. It's good to move on.

Anyway that is enough natter for now, I promise to be a little more regular with my next post (maybe)

In love and light
Ana

Sage and Smoke

A most excellent evening tonight, lots of witchy business going on. One mega-ass cleansing later and the cottage is feeling a whole lot better. Although I must say it was interesting showing up to a (muggle) friends house after smelling like smoked sage with a texta pentacle on my wrist! Oh well my friends know I am a freak.

So my dedication is tomorrow night and I am very very excited. I'm especially excited to be sharing it with sisters!

And now I need sleep.
Goodnight all!

99 things (from Jen)

Instructions: The post is a list of 99 random things. Bold the ones that you yourself have done.

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Tasmania
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Sea World
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Went to the top of Centrepoint Tower
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow man
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen the Murray River in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Crossed the Sydney Harbour Bridge
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited Uluru
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Been to a jail
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favourite childhood toy
70. Visited the War Memorial in Canberra
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood on the steps of the Sydney Opera House
74. Toured the Great Ocean Road
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been a passenger on a motorcycle
79. Seen the Kimberleys in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve
86. Visited Parliament House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Got a tattoo
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Dog on the Tuckerbox in person
96. Swam in the ocean
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a mobile phone
99. Been stung by a bee

Contact

It feels very very excellent.
Contact.
Just to hear understanding
and not blame.

THANKYOU
for putting yourself out there for me
so that I can move on
I know that you don't enjoy 'getting in the middle'.

Maybe I can sleep now.
Or maybe not.
Uni is still lonely
but at the same time lots of fun
and lots and LOTS of work.
I'm scared to miss a class
even if I am sick.
Will I miss too much?

Can someone magic me in to a morning person PLEASE!?!

Here is what I do to amuse myself when I am bored at uni.
A good use of a Fine Art degree eh?

Gratitude

So a good night tonight, the witches kitchen was small but cosy.

Letting go is forefront on the list of priorties, although I know from previous experience that I struggle with it. But still I'm happy to sleep in the bed that I made, I couldn't have chosen differently.

And I still have gratitude.

I'm grateful to the middle woman who passed on my message, grateful for her kind words and support.

I'm grateful for the one sister who stands beside me still and also for the sisters I will soon gain.

I'm grateful to my community, my place of learning where I feel accepted and valued.

I'm grateful to those who have left me, the lessons of life you have taught me have been invaluable.

I'm grateful for my Toddy. I love you.

And somehow when the pain seems to over take everything else I need to remind myself to be thankful, and not to take anything for granted.