Ok it is now definitely time for a response, I've managed to put it off for a day but it needs to be done.

How do I feel about this? I feel too many things I think.

But mostly that it is right, I guess, I think.
No I know it is, just trying to convince emotional brain at the present second.

I know that it isn't right that it continue when it is a burden to so many, it should always be a joy. And I guess it was a burden to me too, no, I know it was.

But I also know how much it helped people, helped me. Gave me a place to work through things, the understand more about myself, my life, my faith. Gave me validation, support, worth. Gave me friends. And I am grateful for that.

And this is not in the slightest to say that I don't believe in the reasons that it had to be done. I do believe really and truly 100% that this is what you had to do. I support your reasons and understand how hard the desiscion must have been for you. I really really do.

What I am struggling with is me.

Which is of course entirely selfish.

But I had just began to feel like I had found my path. That I was for the first time in so many years treading the right ground, heading toward my true North. And now it has changed. Again.

And once again I'm floundering in a great wide ocean of unknowing, instability, confusion.

Yep I think the saying is definitely true "The more you wish for stability, the more change will come". And I really must learn to deal with change. And I know that you didn't think it would be a shock but it was, for me it was. Maybe that was just me though.

And I'm thinking with my optimistic brain on all that I have gained, how much I have learned, what experiences I have had. And I am so grateful. Especially for the friends I have gained.

Friends.

And that is where my heart falters which gives rational brain a chance to kick optimistic brain into the corner.

And I know everyone will say that we'll still see each other, we'll still be friends, we'll "make time". But realistically we struggled to "make time" for important things like meetings, let alone just for coffee and catch-up.

And really what may be a matter of "I'll meet you at the _____ cafe" or "Just pop around to mine and we'll do coffee" for you for me is "sorry guys I have no money to go out for lunch" or "sorry but there are no buses that go near your place".

Because due to my own fault and choices I have no money and I have no car. And that makes "catching up" almost impossible.

I should know, its half the reason I lost most of my first sisters.

And that's no fault of the cottage or of the cottage closing. It's entirely my own.

But it still festers, bad.

Especially since I know that if I ever wanted to attend a full moon or a sabbat with friends, I couldn't. I'm not welcome there.

And none of this really has anything to do with the cottage closing, not really. It just brings it up. And it shows how very little I have dealt with anything, again, my fault entirely. And it doesn't really matter if you have others around you if you have your faith, which I do. I still have my faith. And I still have my Toddy.

My Faith and my Toddy. The two things I love most in this world.
I still have them both.

And in the end, I guess that's all that matters.

So thanks to everyone for everything.
I understand and support you and your desiscions 100%.
Thanks for being a part of my life.

Yule Today!

SO our much delayed/anticipated celebration of Yule is finally here! A fairly sizeable pile of presents are awaiting opening, paganified carols are being warbled and I am wrapped up in a quilt on the couch on account of me having developed a very nasty chest infection. So no singing for me, also no laughing which is going to make Bill Bailey tonight very interesting.

Still happy is me
connected is me
grateful is me.

Angry (an understatement)

angry angry angry ANGRY

Trying to vent in a way that won't hurt anyone or anything including myself. Really all I can think about is putting a hammer, or a rock, or my foot through the wall, then you would have something to complain about!!!!!

Damn you for making me feel unworthy
dirty
undeserving
slovenly
lazy
wasteful
unappreciative

Damn you for making my best second rate

and
Damn you for making me feel guilty when I feel so angry I could vomit, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO FEEL MY EMOTIONS! HOW DARE YOU ATTEMPT TO TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME!

If this is the way you use your authority over me then I reject it.
I answer only the the authority of my conscience and my heart.

Woah!

What I thought was going to be a quiet day has really REALLY rocked my socks! Not in a bad way, just in a 'phwoar I didn't see that coming' way.

It started with me choosing my topics for mentoring with Lisa, which I am soooooo very excited about. I really feel like I'm on the right track in regards to my spirituality, it feels good to be committing to study again. I feel like this is where I need to be. The topics I have chosen are:
- Activating the Goddess within
- 13 aspects of woman
- a goddess a month
- witchcraft
So all great and all full on which is what I want, what I need.

Then tarot class with Lisa as the delightful Wendy was busy being the very busy person that she is. We begin a week ahead spread and WHAM six out of seven of Toddy's cards are majors. WOW!!! (two of mine) A huge week is on the cards (pardon the pun) starting of with the Emperor tomorrow which I also drew as my Wednesday card. Something is going down!! So I promise to keep you all posted. Then the Karmic spread which resulted in six draws of the star card for me and six draws of the hanged man for Toddy ... hmmm wishes, beginnings, potential and different perspectives. Be careful what you wish for, you might just get it! We ended on a q&a session which has brought up possibilities that I had ruled out, things that would make me extremely happy, scared, grateful, etc. Oh and possible movement too.

Yep a HUGE week ahead for me!
BRING IT ON!!!

Three blogs in three days - wow!

Best to keep the tradition running and blog again today ... wow three in a row - amazing!

It's been a mostly good day. Full moon was wonderfull with Wendy making a fabulous High Priestess, three new faces was also wonderful to see. Candle magic was lots of fun, I'm looking foward to some of those things manifesting for me soon.

As always bad too. A cross stitch that I have been putting my heart and soul into is now ruined because a cup of tea was spilled on to it. Not by me but still by accident. Of course accidents happen and its no-one's fault, it's just very upsetting. Oh well, must move on.

New opportunities seem to be arising for me to get back in to spiritual study again which I am extremely excited about! I feel like I'm definitely walking the right path at the moment. I feel like I'm going the right way to my North node, and I feel more accepting of myself because I can understand why I am the way I am and what I need to be.

Understanding is good.

Now if I only knew where I was going to be living at the end of the year ...
Oh well we can't have it all I guess!

*Click*

So just like that *click* last night I figured it out where I was going my "calling" if you will. Now I just have to take every opportunity I can get to get myself there. And opportunities already seem to be manifesting!

Anique was amazing, a beautiful and inspirational night. I learnt so much within and without myself.
Unfotunately things at home still aren't great. Sister has decided to take herself home early even though she knew in advance that our Yule celebration had been planned for Sunday. Apparently it is too tireing for her to leave on Monday and return Thursday so instead she is leaving on Saturday. And now I have an altar waiting, a tree set up, a bough of oak and holly slowly dying and a log waiting to be decorated. And I wonder if there was any point, any point in trying to share, trying to be a family, trying to have fun. I wonder if I will just end up taking it all down tomorrow. Is there really any point in waiting for her to return? Will she just find something more important than me again? Is there any point in celebrating Yule so late anyway???

I don't know.

Wow two blogs in a row ... amazing...

Still here

Am back to post again - amazing.

I have a cat by my side and a 'puter on my lap so it just seems appropriate.

Still feeling a little lost, some days a lot lost. I don't know where I'm going to be at the end of this week, this month, this year.

I really hate that.

Hurting right now that I don't seem to come first in anyone's list, including my own.

Feeling like i really need that magic wand to make all the problems go away, really I just need to wise up and realise that life doesn't work that way.

I need to be more grateful for what I do have and learn to let shit go, I know it but I don't feel it.

On a happier note Toddy was wonderful and amazing on his piano machine in recitals both Monday and Tuesday. Sooooooooo talented which means I am sooooooooooooooo proud.

As to when I will blog again, I will try soon but I'm sure any/everyone who now reads my blog can see why I was never any good at keeping a journal!