Insomnia

I cannot sleep, I cannot sleep,
For secrets wait amid the deep;
Secrets I do not wish to see,
Secrets that wear away at me.
I only wish that somehow you knew,
The damage that your secrets do.
That you could somehow understand,
That life is never what we planned.
So as the clock keeps ticking by,
And day floods light into the sky,
In reveries I sit alone,
My stomach filled with heavy stone.
And as I sit with bloodshot eyes,
I begin to realise,
It is your fault I cannot sleep,
For it's your secrets that I keep.
I cannot sleep.
I must not sleep.

By Rachael Allen

New Blog!

Hi everybody,

I know it's been a while, it's been a very tumultuous time for me recently with a big move a new course and a new business for which I have a new blog.

Inspiral Crafts

It's still in it's beginning stages so bear with me, but i fyou guys could navigate over there, check it out, and if you like what you see, please follow. I'm planning on posting works in progress as well as new listings, inspirations, ideas and maybe even tutorials, who knows! It would mean so much to me to see you all there.

Also I promise to follow up with a normal blog soon.

Love and Light
Rach

Etsy store

So just a little bit of self-promotion ...

This is my new Etsy store. Have a look please!

I have a discount coupon for mates rates if you are interested in anything so let me know.

http://www.etsy.com/shop/InspiralCrafts?ref=pr_shop

It's been a long time...

It's been so long since I last posted on here ...

So so so so long.
So long in fact, that I really expected myself to close it when I opened it up just now.

But things in my life are changing in a very big way and I think that this blog may let me stay in contact with the handful of people that read it. People who I love, that are important to me, that I will miss.

I took big steps today.

Firstly, I closed my Yahoo account. Doesn't seem big? Well it was the last means of communication that I had with people who were once a major part of my life. I used to check that inbox many times a day, then only once a day, then once a week, then once a month until now, when I have finally given up waiting for that e-mail that is never going to come. Well I have finished waiting for you, all of you. That door is closed now, this ship has sailed. And it is your loss.

I also recieved news that an application I submitted for an apartment in Sydney was succesful, so it is off to the big smoke for me and Toddy. Toddy is going to study concurrent programs, a Diploma of Architectural Technology and a Masters of Design Science (Audio and Acoustics). He is so very very smart it astounds me. I manged to beat off 650 other applicants to get into the Sydney College of Arts to continue my study into visual arts. So Toddy and I will both be graduates of the University of Sydney, something I never really expected but I am happy with none-the-less.

I also have been packing and letting go of possessions today, something that is very hard for me. I'd like to say that home is wherever my loved ones are but in all honesty, feeling at home for me has an awful lot to do with having the things I love around me. Call me materialistic but as someone who as a child has moved more times then most adults, home is a difficult concept.

So its a new life all in all for me.
And my Toddy.

And I am so grateful.

Where to stand

What is going on???

I'm thinking a lot about friends at the moment, those lost, those gained, those who I am no longer sure about where I stand with.

I am leaving for Sydney at the end of this year and I've decided I need to know where I stand with people because I need closure, and because I need to feel that I am not running away.

I really need a little confirmation that this path I'm beginning on will be good for me and for Toddy. That this big leap I'm making is for the best. So if anyone has any insights for the cards, or guides, or intuition, or anything really please let me know...

Where do I stand with you?
Where do you stand with me?
Do we know??

I should be asleep right now

I should be asleep right now.
Soooooooooooo tired.

But I have to finish a sketch that is taking me forever and yet looks much better when not viewed up close.

sigh

Oh well it'll be done and that is the main thing I guess.

R.I.P. Laura

May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.

May God be with you and bless you:
May you see your children's children.
May you be poor in misfortune,
Rich in blessings.
May you know nothing but happiness
From this day forward.

May the road rise up to meet you
May the wind be always at your back
May the warm rays of sun fall upon your home
And may the hand of a friend always be near.

May green be the grass you walk on,
May blue be the skies above you,
May pure be the joys that surround you,
May true be the hearts that love you.

Gentle rest, Laura.
May the Goddess keep you safe until you return again.

Sydney

So I seems that Sydney is what will be. For Toddy to do his masters, for me to finish my degree, for us to move on to the next chapter.

Sydney

Wow

Where to go from here...

Where do I go from here?

Todd has found a course in Sydney, I've found a course in Sydney.
Both of us will only have two more years of student poverty.
But...
I don't know if I am ready for Sydney, I know I will have to be at some stage.

Still though I worry-
Will I get in?
Will I be able to cope?
Will we find somewhere to live?
Can we afford it?

If some one feels like laying some cards down for me it would be very much appreciated.
I so desperately need insight right now.

Big whinge

IRRITATION is me this morning.

Very very serious irritation....

I have one ex-housemate who has been "staying over" for over a week, which I am over, completely over.
I don't mind her coming around, or even staying every now and again, but her welcome has been well and truly worn out. What makes it worse is that ALL she does is sit around and eat all our food and use our internet.

As does another friend who basically comes over to our house to use our internet and last night stayed over to midnight. Too late for a week night when we all are busy.

And then we come to the other housemate ... well I'm not sure that I even want to go there...

Don't mind me, I'm just having a big whinge.

Grumble grumble grumble

Spoiled

A new laptop for me today.

Spoiled is me.

By my Toddy, who I love very much.
Who is willing to decimate our savings just to make sure that I have everything that I need.

I love you so much!

Life is...

Life is...

Hard right now, really hard.
I am struggling to get out of bed in the mornings. But I am still trying and I guess that's something.

Busy.
Uni is crazy as always, but I love it. Art is what makes me happy.

Changing.
New opportunities arising. Possibly a new job if my confidence could manage it.

Continuing.
Always growing, always evolving.

And that's about it.

Consideration

Did you even stop to consider what would happen from this?
The effect it would have on you
On others
On me?

No of course not.

All I can say is, how selfish.
You forget that you are not the only person to suffer here.
And all the shit that comes up everytime you allow them near affects all of us.

Who is the one who holds back your hair when you vomit back the only thing you have managed to eat all day?
Who runs you a bath and talks through every pain and insecurity?
Who holds your hand as you walk through the painfull memories of long ago?
Who whispers quietly "what can we do?" "how did this happen?" at night long after you have fallen to sleep?
Who treads on eggs shells while you rebuild your shattered foundation?
Who praises you as you begin to progress again?
Who loves for your flaws rather then condemning you for them?
Who cringes inwardly when they find out you have invited them back in?
Who waits silently as the nausea sets back in all the while inwardly breaking down under the stress of being your carer?

Who?

Me, that's who. And the rest of your chosen family.

The same people who are buckling under the combined pressure of all our own problems and yours.

Why do I stay?
Because you are my friend,
My chosen family.
And I love you.
And you don't deserve the treatment you have recieved at their hands.
But neither do I,
Neither do I.

And yet look at what you condemn me to...

Six Years Today

Six years today.
Infinity in a heartbeat so it seems to me.
Almost a third of our lives,
Together.

Through the hard times,
The happy times,
The painful times,
The scary, hairy, hormonal times.

Those who know me,
You who knows me best,
Know I'm not given to flowery articulation,
Or to excess.

So it is no overstatement to say that;
With everything I was,
With everything I am,
With everything I will be,

I love you.
Always.
Forever.

Thinking

Is thinking of seriously starting up a business selling peruvian jewellery, my paintings, my own jewellery and other such junk.

I need money.

What do people think?

Me right now.

Me right now.

Busy

Busy, busy, busy.

Forcr is coming up quick and uni goes back next week, also a million and one other things that MUST be done.

But I don't mind that.
'
It's been an interesting few weeks to say the least. Full of realisations about me. Most of them aren't very nice.

For instance:

Whether I like it or not, whether it is fair or not the state of my nest depends on me being invested in it. Which I haven't been for a long time.

I have screwed up worse then I was allowing myself to see.

I have not taken as much responsibility for things as I thought I had.

I am a mess. A total mess. And I don't know if I can fix myself up. But I don't know who to ask for help.

Not really nice things to find out but all the same I think I need to know them. Now all that remains is to find out where to go from here. How to fix myself.

So there you have it.
My world in a nutshell.

Home again

I have managed to return from Tamworth relatively unscathed, but as always with going home my self confidence has lost ground and is a little more shaky. At the moment the problem seems to be that I don't regain my footing before I go back. So my confidence just keeps getting kicked while its down.

It's been a big week in term of trying to find out where it is I'm going, to be honest I still don't know, but a pathway is forming ahead of my eyes just as a plan is forming within my mind.

My garden is screaming out for me. I've abandoned it in fear of how hard it will be to leave it if leave it I must. But I've come to realise that abandoning things just because they may end is not the right way to go through life. So I'll be out in the garden again soon.

For today, food shopping, so my family doesn't starve. But for now, just listening to Toddy pluck out his Mozart from last semester on the guitar I bought him about three years ago.

Bliss.

Waiting

Is waiting.

Waiting, waiting, waiting.

Waiting for her seeds to grow.

Beauty in the Breakdown

Today darkness surrounds me. The new moon has risen and the sun, eclipsed, offers no light.

Darkness surrounds my thoughts too:

Loss
Pain
Regret


Today I truly walk with the Dark Mother. Through the shadows we journey during this dark night, knowing that dawn will come, having faith that we have not been forsaken by the light.

Today I am Persephone as I travel to the Underworld. When I return I shall hold the seeds for a brighter tomorrow.


And yet

Today I am alone.

And alone I breakdown, break apart, break away.


Spinning, I fragment in the darkness as facets of my being fall away. Some facets are ripped clean, torn from my existence like and ill fitting skin. The faster I spin, the more I lose until I am afraid that when I stop there will be nothing left.

And still I cannot cease.

My falling shards shine like fractured glass, a splintered mirror, a shattered truth, a broken dream.


Today I embrace the dark veil. I am the Morrigan. I am the battle Raven. I am Lillith.

Today I am a thing of terrible radiance.


Because the truth is

There is perfection in the breakdown.

The beauty of the rain is how it falls.


Today I welcome the shadows so that Tomorrow may see the light.

Tomorrow my seeds shall grow.

Tamworth Tomorrow

So heading back to Tamworth tomorrow till Saturday. To be honest, I'm not thrilled about the prospect especially as it will be sans Toddy but the mother unit must be appeased.

I am determined to look on the bright side of the situation. I'm going to use the week as one of self exploration and discovery, there are some things that are nattering at me that I really need to work through by myself. I need direction and clarit right now and there are some issues that I have pushed aside for too long now. They must be allowed to breathe.

I am very excited for Toddy and his work experience that begins on Monday. I feel big things will come of it. They are going to love him, lets face it, who wouldn't? Watch this space.

I had an excellent night at the cottage, small, simple and yet very satifying. The poor old cottage is really at the end of its days, sad but true. I feel like I am standing at the edge of the precipice of change, so many things are set to change soon. I don't know where I'm going and I don't know where I'll be. But I have my faith and that shall sustain me.

So I shall be on the book of face and e-mail most likely, although I still haven't found my phone so fingers cossed that will resurface soon.

I'll see you on the other side!